Jim's new phone
by Cherish the look of surprise
Summary: Jim gets a new phone. Madness ensues. Pre-Reichenbach.
1. Chapter 1

"Oooooo!"

The man tied to a chair in the middle of the windowless basement watched warily as the Consulting Criminal's eyes lit up with pleasure as he played around with the electronic device in front of him.

"Oh, and look at my new case!"

Jim proudly displayed his brand new phone, and case, to the frightened man. This was the infamous James Moriarty? The man posing next to him as he took a photo of himself, cross eyed with his tongue stuck out? Maybe this was all some kind of sick joke, a dream of some sort. Soon he would wake up on a plane back to the UK, being offered a complimentary champagne by a smartly dressed air hostess. Somewhere where the deal _hadn't _gone wrong.

"I can get games too!"

Briefly wondering if the man was insane, he tried to loosen his bound hands slightly. The man's eyes flickered up to him, catching the slight movement.

"Tut, tut! And I thought we were getting along! Oh well."

Jim sighed and began to walk back towards a door in the side of the room.

"Well if you had been a bit nicer about my phone I might have let you live. But..."

He trailed off and shut the door behind him.

As Jim walked away from the raging inferno, he considered all the fun he could have with his new phone. He grinned to himself.

"Who shall I start with first?"

* * *

><p><strong>Be nice, its my first time. Planning to do the next chapter as a text conversation between Sherlock and Jim. Unless everybody hates it. Then i'll probably run away and hide<strong>.

**Bx**


	2. Chapter 2

**8:28AM**

Sherlock -JM

Sherlock -JM

Sherlock -JM

Sherlooooooookkkkk! -JM

SHERLY! -JM

I'm bored. Play with me! -JM

:) -JM

Pretty please? -JM

Well if you're gonna be boring! I'll go somewhere else. -JM

I wonder what John's doing? -JM

What do you want, you insufferable psychopath? -SH

I'm BORED! -JM

So? -SH

DO SOMETHING! -JM

NOW! -JM

Please? -JM

Oh fine! Be like that! -JM

Tell John to close his curtains while he's changing. -JM

On second thoughts, don't. YUM! -JM

;) -JM

Stay away from John. -SH

Is that a challenge, my dear Sherlock? -JM

Its a threat. You should know that, you've made plenty yourself. -SH

Oooooooo! Burn! XD -JM

Enough with the childish insults. What do you want? -SH

There's a package on your doorstep. Open it. -JM

Can I have your word that its not a bomb? -SH

Where would the fun be in that? -JM

Have you opened it yet? -JM

Have you? -JM

Huh? -JM

How delightful. A tie. -SH

ITS GOT LITTLE SKULLS ON! -JM

Don't you just love it? -JM

Now we match! -JM

What do you think? -JM

It's nice isn't it? -JM

I saw it and thought of you. -JM

Well? -JM

I went to ALL that trouble! -JM

Sherlock? -JM

Sherlock? -JM

Sherlock? -JM

Fine. You better wear that tie. I do loathe that scarf. -JM

Bye sweetheart! See you SOON! -JM

;) -JM

* * *

><p>Jim leant back against the bench outside 221B Baker Street.<p>

Who's next?

* * *

><p><strong>Sebastian next, I think. But I'll do it tomorrow. If you like it let me know.<strong>

**Bx**


	3. Chapter 3

**1:42PM**

Sebbie? -JM

Yes boss? -SB

I need you to kill someone for me. -JM

What did he do? Drug dealer? Assassin? -SB

The guy in aisle 3. He cut in front of me. -JM

You want me to kill a guy because he cut in front of you? -SB

In Asda. Make him suffer. -JM

;) -JM

What are you doing in Asda? -SB

Shopping. -JM

You have an army of servants, what could you possibly need? -SB

Bicarbonate of Soda, green food colouring, fun size box of water baloons. You know, the usual. -JM

What are you going to do? -SB

I'm planning an elaborate prank on Mycroft. -JM

Lets see if his umbrella can withstand THAT! -JM

Ooooo! And JELLY BABIES! -JM

**1:45PM**

Sebastian? -JM

He's not dead yet. -JM

Seb? -JM

Sebbie? -JM

SEBBBIEEEEEEE! -JM

I could skin you for this. -JM

You know, if I wanted. -JM

Seb? -JM

Seb? -JM

Seb? -JM

You're not the only sniper in the world. -JM

I could get another. -JM

One who isn't a complete ARSE! -JM

**1:50PM**

Oopsie! Your apartment just mysteriously blew up! Oh well. -JM

Stop moving, I want a clear shot to the head. -SB

I can text and run. -JM

:) -JM

Oh, well. If you've already got your gun out, maybe you could shoot that guy in aisle 3? -JM

Just a thought. -JM

**1:52PM**

ARGH! MY BEST WESTWOOD! -JM

AND MY JELLY BABIES! -JM

YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD! -JM

Did you have to destroy EVERYTHING worth living for? -JM

I loved my flat. -SB

No, you love me Sebbie. -JM

Don't ya? -JM

Huh? -JM

I'm just that adorable. -JM

Aren't I? -JM

Well? -JM

Fine, I'll go and play with Mycroft. -JM

Spoilsport. -JM

**1:55PM**

Thank you for shooting him. -JM

;) -JM

After watching the funniest video from a secret camera installed in Mycroft's house, Jim grinned and waited for the "Government" to start scolding him.

They were just so ad-o-rable!

* * *

><p><strong>Me again, you know. That guy who's writing this thing. No? Ah well. Hope you enjoyed it.<strong>

**Bx**


	4. Chapter 4

**Hi! Its me. Two things before you read on.**

**One: I am really sorry as this is fairly short because I had trouble with Mycroft's character so as punishment for that ,and not uploading at the weekend, I am writing another one to publish tonight. Its with John so v. excited!**

**Two: Just a shout out to my muse, I'll burn the heart out of you, and my beta, Hannah.**

**Also thank you very much to: **

**The ivy among roses: I can't tell you how happy your comments made me! Especially since I have been a big fan of yours because of your story "My bloody Valentine" It actually inspired me to write this!**

**Secret Agent Codename Bob: Just because you asked so nicely, here's Mycroft and John's next. Made my day reading your review!**

**And anybody else who commented, THANK YOU! Right, enough rambling, read on for terrible Moriatry and Mycroft. *Runs and hides***

**Bx**

* * *

><p><strong>3:08PM<strong>

Hi hi! -JM

Jim, I'm in a meeting with the future Prime Minister, go away. -MH

How very DULL! I'm much more interesting. ;) -JM

Yes, yes. What do you want? -MH

What did you think of the little "gift" I left in your office? -JM

I didn't realise umbrella's could fizz. -JM

:) -JM

You will pay for the umbrella, you so kindly ruined, because it cost more than your entire wardrobe of cheap suits. -MH

CHEAP SUITS! HOW DARE YOU COMPARE WESTWOOD TO YOUR DISGUSTING TAT YOU POMPOUS GIT! -JM

Resorting to name calling, are we? How very childish. -MH

PISS OFF YOU ENGLISH ARSE! -JM

**3:12PM**

No witty retort? I'm disappointed in you Mycroft. -JM

So, how is that delicious brother of yours? Still dallying with that jumped up army doctor? -JM

Still, he'll be mine soon. -JM

:) -JM

He will Never be yours. -MH

Wanna bet? -JM

:P -JM

For gods sake. STOP BEING SO CHILDISH, YOU ARE A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND WHO HAS HAD HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE KILLED. For once in your life, act your age. -MH

**3:15PM**

BORING! -JM

:) -JM

Right, that's it. If you have nothing useful to tell me I have to leave for tea with the Prime minister. -MH

Oh, and stay away from my brother. -MH

**3:18PM**

Never Mycroft. He's mine. -JM

Oh! And watch out, its raining! -JM

:) -JM

* * *

><p><strong>I did enough talking at the beginning so just a little note, John's next. V. excited!<strong>

**Bx**


	5. Chapter 5

**4:34PM**

You do realise I can see you outside? You get that right? -JW

And don't wave at me or I'm drawing the curtains. -JW

Aw! You're no fun! Ah well, at least I got the show before hand... -JM

;) Yum, if you ever get bored of Sherlock I have a job waiting. -JM

YOU WATCHED ME GET CHANGED? PISS OFF! -JW

Where would be the fun in that? Now stop swearing at me through the window or I'll leave. -JM

You promise? -JW

Never. -JM

**4:36PM**

HEY! NOW THAT WAS UNCALLED FOR! THERE ARE CHILDREN AROUND! -JM

You're a fine one to talk, you've probably killed most of their parents. -JW

Well. Maybe one or two... -JM

:) -JM

What do you want Jim? Sherlock's still pissed at you because you insulted his scarf. -JW

And Mycroft didn't appreciate you crashing his meeting. -JW

It was only a little bomb, besides HE INSULTED WESTWOOD! -JM

I couldn't let it slide. -JM

Yeah, whatever. Your childish feuds are with them so why are you contacting me? -JW

Urrrr... I find you incredibly attractive so I want to tell you about the depths of my passion before ravishing you? -JM

Try again. -JW

Um... I have fallen in love with your astonishing array of jumpers and want to know where you got them? -JM

Asda. Next? -JW

Fine. Sherlock hacked my phone so the only person I can text is you. He's such a spoilsport! -JM

HE DID WHAT? -JW

Uh huh. Although I do kinda want to ravish you after seeing your wooly blue jumper with the terriers on. Nearly swooned. -JM

;) -JM

**4:39PM**

Oh I see, you've ditched me to argue with Sherlock. -JM

Blimey, I didn't realise how angry you were. You refused tea. -JM

And now you're pointing me out to Sherlock so he can... OH SHIT!-JM

* * *

><p>Jim sprinted away from 221B Baker street with only a smug grin, an awesome phone and a high functioning sociopath in hot pursuit.<p>

Ain't life just wonderful?

* * *

><p><strong>This chapter is to apologise for not uploading yesterday and possibly not uploading tomorrow, though I will try. Its also because, come on. Who doesn't want to write about John and Jim?<strong>

**Its also dedicated to Secret Agent Codename Bob who is quickly becoming my favourite reviewer. Much appreciation to you.**

**See you soon,**

**Bx  
><strong>


	6. Chapter 6

**Thank you to all the people who suggested Adler. I'll talk afterwards. For now, read on!**

**Bx**

**5:47PM**

Has someone been a naughty boy, Jimmy? -IA

No. He started it. -JM

Oh really? Then why have I got photos of you running through the streets, Sherlock's scarf trailing behind you? -IA

Well... I grabbed it when he had me in a headlock in the park. -JM

And why did he have you in a headlock? -IA

Because I filmed John getting changed. But I only did that after he started ignoring me! -JM

And he ignored you why? -IA

Because I insulted his stupid scarf. -JM

WORTH IT! -JM

:P -JM

Do we need to have another little chat Jimmy boy? -IA

No. -JM

BUT HE STARTED IT! -JM

It sounds like you need me to come down there. Remember Verona? -IA

How could I forget. That was when I got your face tattooed across my back... Good times. -JM

:) -JM

Ah yes, what was the name of that little taverna we burned down? -IA

"Il ladro e la sirena" Wasn't it? Blimey! I haven't thought about that place for ages! -JM

Although I may have blocked it out due to the incident with the sacrificial goat... -JM

I can still hear the bleats. -JM

We all can Jim. We all can. -IA

Anyway, MYCROFT INSULTED WESTWOOD! -JM

And you, somehow, dissolved his umbrella. -IA

Yeah. But... I mean... You know... They didn't like my phone! -JM

Jim, even I don't like your phone. You somehow managed to send a mass text of John getting changed around everybody Sherlock knows. You have it as your profile picture. -IA

Oh I see! Sherlock's your favourite so you're on HIS side! I should have known... I'll ruin you Adler. -JM

No you won't. Unless you want all of the criminal underworld to know exactly what happened between you and the goat. -IA

Piss off Adler. -JM

See you later sweetcheeks! -IA

;) -IA

**5:56PM**

Whatever! -JM

* * *

><p>While Jim was trying desperately to ignore the bleating sounds in his head, he glared at the phone.<p>

"Well? What now?"

* * *

><p><strong>Ok, to all my reviewers. I NEED YOUR HELP! I am running out of people to write about and am finding it harder and harder to make it funny. SO I have come up with a briliant plan. I need <span>you<span> to suggest a. Another fanfic I could do, or b. Suggest more characters. Whatever happens I still need your help! **

**Secret** **Agent Codename Bob: Probably my chapter** **has crossed** **yours... (I spend most of my time re-reading your reviews, thank you SOOOOOOO much!)**

**Anyways, please help.**

**Writer-in-need,**

**Bx**


	7. Chapter 7

**About to drop a bombshell. I do apologise.**

**Bx**

* * *

><p><strong>6:12PM<strong>

You're wrong. The lover didn't kill him, it was his secretary. Who he was also sleeping with. -JM

Who is this? -GL

James Moriarty, Criminal mastermind. But you can call me Jim. -JM

;) -JM

Sherlock? Is this you? -GL

No. It is not "Sherlock" It is Jim. A criminal. -JM

Who's phone have you hacked into now Sherlock? -GL

No one's. Because I am NOT SHERLOCK! -JM

Sure, but seriously. Who's phone have you stolen? -GL

*Sigh* Fine. I've stolen someone's phone. Now come and arrest me! -JM

Nah it'd be a waste of time. Mycroft would just come down and "drop" the charges. -GL

No! He won't! I promise! -JM

You mean like the time you "promised" that the murderer wasn't home? -GL

THAT WAS ONE TIME! -JM

Fine. Time for a change of tactics. -JM

**6:16PM**

LeStrade. YO MAMMAS SO FAT, SHE MAKES FREE WILLY LOOK LIKE A GOLDFISH! -JM

Really Sherlock? I honestly thought you were better than that. -GL

No? Ok. -JM

Jeez, is there a squirrel pinned to shirt? Oh wait...ITS YOUR FACE! -JM

LOL! -JM

:) -JM

Look Sherlock, stop messing about. We need you, come down ASAP. -GL

FOR THE LAST TIME.

I.

AM.

NOT.

SHERLOCK.

BLOODY.

HOLMES.

I AM A CRIMINAL MASTERMIND WHO COULD KILL YOU, YOUR FAMILY, YOUR FRIENDS AND THAT GUY YOU WALKED PAST IN THE STREET. I HAVE KILLED HUNDREDS OF PEOPLE AND HAVE BEEN A PART OF EVERY BOMBING IN YOUR LIFE TIME. FOR GODS SAKE, I AM DANGEROUS! -JM

Stop being so childish Sherlock and come help us. -GL

**6:34PM**

Hang on, you're the bomber? -GL

* * *

><p>"Damn them!"<p>

Jim glared at his useless phone.

"What good are you if I can't have FUN!"

In a furious rage Jim flung his phone at the wall and stalked out of the room. The device which had brought Jim so much pleasure and so many others irritation, lay broken on the floor. Broken beyond repair.

Jim was bored.

And someone would die.

* * *

><p><strong>I almost cried writing this. Jeez, my loveable camp Jim is gone and this new, angry one is in its place. How sad.<strong>

**Anyway! Fear not dear reviewers! This is not the end! Thank you to all of you for your lovely suggestions and I have now formulated a plan.** **I am** **ending this story but** **writing another. That one will be text messaging between the whole Sherlock cast! It almost makes up for the ending of this one!**

**Look out for it tomorrow, I'll upload the first chapter then. But, alas, it is now time to say "Au Revoir!"**

**Or as Jim would say. "Ciao. Sherlock 'olmes."**

**Yours fearfully,**

**Bx**


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